A Beautiful Mess

A Sexual Abuse and Addiction Recovery Blog

Emotionally Disturbances

Here I am sitting in a room thinking about all kinds of things that really aren’t doing me any good.  Or perhaps they are… I remember in group they emphasized that we must feel the feelings in order to heal, but it’s so overwhelming emotionally that it’s hard to believe that it’s doing me any good.  Regardless, I do still trust in the process, although, it is taking much longer than I ever anticipated.  I doubt that I will ever be fully recovered.  It doesn’t sadden me as intensely as it once did, but it’s still disturbing.  I hate that so much of my life has been affected by something someone did to me as a child.

I do fantasize about his death.  I dream of the day I can go to his grave and finally feel peace that he is experiencing his own personal hell.  I’ve heard that anger is bad for me, but I can’t imagine forgiving him.  Ever.  I try and sometimes I can intellectualize how it might be good for me to do so, but my heart won’t let me.  My anger towards him is much more healing than forgiving him.  I don’t think all acts are forgivable.  Somethings in life are simply unacceptable.

I think about Mom frequently.  Although, I can look at photos of her now without completely falling apart.  I miss her.  She used to love to brush my hair, even as an adult… 🙂  I guess it’s true that to our parents we will always be their children… and although we become adults, they will still want to nurture and care for us, at times, like they did when we were children.  It makes for good memories.

I wouldn’t necessarily say I’m in thriving mode yet with this sexual abuse history of mine.  But I am beyond victim.  I am a survivor.  So that in itself is something to celebrate.  I dream of the day that what has happened to me won’t affect me as deeply as it still does, but something tells me, there will always be moments in time where I just have to cry and feel what I’m feeling.  I won’t ever be able to forget.

I’ve been spending time away from home just to change the scenery a bit and give myself some space and a different perspective.  Staring at the same four walls sometimes just makes my head spin.  I’m free to roam, but sometimes I choose to isolate.  Once in a while I’m seeking solitude… but mostly it’s isolation.  I have a hard time trusting these days.

On a positive note, I am here to “live to tell”.  My testimony is powerful and I know the power of being able to share it and how someone else knowing they are not alone is very healing in itself.  I witnessed that power in group settings for my counseling.  I, all of a sudden, didn’t feel so crazy anymore.

 

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Riding the Waves

Let me start off with saying that I am truly blessed.  I am so very thankful with where I am in life.  There once was a time when this all seemed to be a fantasy… the family, the friends, the growing stability, the love, the wisdom… the coping skills 😉  But it’s all real now.  I still think about what a miracle occurred in my life.  Definitely some sort of divine intervention.

The relationship I spoke about very briefly in my prior post ended up fizzling.  I had an idea that it was over before it started, but that’s a whole other story for another day.

What’s irking me is Christmas.  Christmas is so flippin’ commercialized these days that it’s caused people to go into frenzies for days, weeks and months on end… they are stressed out, running around crazy, overpreparing, overspending, overindulging… just too much of everything, and not enough of what it’s really supposed to be about.

I want it to end.  And then, to top it off, mother nature decided that now would be a good time to visit.  I’m already irritated enough.  I do believe my coping skills are getting a work out, but I’m thankful that I have them.

Bah Humbug.  Oh, and Happy Holidays 😉

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Freedom of Choice – Victim vs. Survivor

“Being a friend to yourself means believing and treating yourself in ways that are consistent with your belief that although we are victimized in life, being the victim is a free choice. We are free to choose.”

Sana Johnson-Quijada MD

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Respecting the Process

It’s been a while since I blogged.  So many wonderful things have happened.
For one, I am now employed FT and kicking major booty in the performance department.
I actually have health benefits… WHOA!
I have met some wonderful new people at work that I am starting to consider friends.
I am super flippin’ thankful!
Now with all that being said, it doesn’t mean that it’s all peaches and cream.  I’m still struggling.  I’m still fighting a daily battle to love myself unconditionally.  There are times that life is not what I want, but yet what I sadly choose.  I don’t beat myself up for choices that are not good for me, but I do realize that they are indicators.  Red flags that something must be put in check, because I know what a slippery slope things can be.
I am learning to respect the process, though.  I understand, fully, that my transformation into who I was and where I want to be is going to take time.  As they say, Rome wasn’t built overnight…

All in all, though, I’m still surviving and at times… even thriving.

Keep on keeping on and don’t lose patience or understanding of the journey.  It’s not quick and easy.  It’s hard as hell.  But I respect the process and I acknowledge that I am taking steps in the right direction.  Even though I may stumble, it’s that I get the hell back up that matters.
“Illegitimi non carborundum.”

((Don’t let the bastards grind you down.))

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My Life

Lost and misguided

Been there.

Did it.

Tried it.

Cried about it,

Lied about it,

Felt pain about it,

Beat around the bush about it.

Rationalized it.

Falsified it.

Satisfied it.

Crucified for it.

Rejected.

Dejected.

Subjected.

And yes, to few… Accepted.

Gained perspective.

Intercepted.

Submitted to it.

Admitted to it.

Committed to it.

A new page has opened for me.

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“…gifts from suffering…”

While in treatment at The Healing Center, I found that I heard this phrase a lot: “…gifts from suffering…”

That’s pretty deep to me.

A lot of times I can spend time dwelling on all of the losses and all of the pain and just basically stay focused on my trauma in the past.  But when I think about what my gifts are from suffering, I feel “the journey”.

Although there have been and will be times that seem dismal and overwhelming… the tides of life keep it moving.  It truly is a journey.

My gift from suffering is the ability to tune into another person’s emotions on a very empathic level.  I feel their pain.  I feel their joy.  While it’s a bit much sometimes, it is a gift.  I feel as though I can relate to people and show a level of compassion that people who have never experienced trauma could.  I feel comfort in seeking those people out, because they understand, I understand.  It’s a connection that a lot of people in life will never experience.  I feel like I am alive, alert… aware that life is precious but can be gone in the blink of an eye.  And just because we are breathing most certainly does not mean we are alive.

Blessed with gifts from suffering.

I ask you, my friend, can you identify a gift from your suffering?

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Looking for a Trace…

I studied the mirror to find a trace of you.

I turned to the left, tilted my head, smiled, unsmiled…

I locked on my own eyes and it was there that I found you.

RIP Mom

7/4/2011

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I Will Not Give Up

I’ve been sitting here racking my brains trying to utilize tools that I have been given to live a healthy and fruitful life… but I am still kind of floundering with “mom issues”.  I can’t make sense of it in a way that doesn’t deeply pain me.  I am still having a hard time dealing with accepting it for what it was.  I don’t know how to deal with this on my own so I did make an appointment with a therapist.  Just another hoop to jump along my path to recovery and wholeness.  I have faith in the process and I will not give up on myself.

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Being My Own Friend – Connecting With the World

When I hit a bump along my recovery journey, I will continue to reference back here:

Connect With Others to Get Friendly With Yourself

Crafting has been very therapeutic for me lately.  Makes for nice gifts and the feeling of creating something so beautiful is validating to my inner child.

 

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In This Moment

I am closer to my family, gas mileage and relationship wise.

I have a few good friends… that are AMAZING. ❤

I find that I seek more supportive people in my life and avoid those that display any destructive behaviors towards me or their selves.

I am seeking help when I need it.

I am trusting the process.

I am more mindful of being in the moment.

I let my inner child play… often.

I have found safe ways of coping with my feelings.

I show myself and others compassion.

When faced with negative thoughts, I notice the feeling without judgement and let it go.

I realize that I am an addict and will have to learn to live with this for the rest of my life.

 

I once was a victim.  I survived.  Taking steps to thrive…

 

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