Emotionally Disturbances

Here I am sitting in a room thinking about all kinds of things that really aren’t doing me any good.  Or perhaps they are… I remember in group they emphasized that we must feel the feelings in order to heal, but it’s so overwhelming emotionally that it’s hard to believe that it’s doing me any good.  Regardless, I do still trust in the process, although, it is taking much longer than I ever anticipated.  I doubt that I will ever be fully recovered.  It doesn’t sadden me as intensely as it once did, but it’s still disturbing.  I hate that so much of my life has been affected by something someone did to me as a child.

I do fantasize about his death.  I dream of the day I can go to his grave and finally feel peace that he is experiencing his own personal hell.  I’ve heard that anger is bad for me, but I can’t imagine forgiving him.  Ever.  I try and sometimes I can intellectualize how it might be good for me to do so, but my heart won’t let me.  My anger towards him is much more healing than forgiving him.  I don’t think all acts are forgivable.  Somethings in life are simply unacceptable.

I think about Mom frequently.  Although, I can look at photos of her now without completely falling apart.  I miss her.  She used to love to brush my hair, even as an adult… 🙂  I guess it’s true that to our parents we will always be their children… and although we become adults, they will still want to nurture and care for us, at times, like they did when we were children.  It makes for good memories.

I wouldn’t necessarily say I’m in thriving mode yet with this sexual abuse history of mine.  But I am beyond victim.  I am a survivor.  So that in itself is something to celebrate.  I dream of the day that what has happened to me won’t affect me as deeply as it still does, but something tells me, there will always be moments in time where I just have to cry and feel what I’m feeling.  I won’t ever be able to forget.

I’ve been spending time away from home just to change the scenery a bit and give myself some space and a different perspective.  Staring at the same four walls sometimes just makes my head spin.  I’m free to roam, but sometimes I choose to isolate.  Once in a while I’m seeking solitude… but mostly it’s isolation.  I have a hard time trusting these days.

On a positive note, I am here to “live to tell”.  My testimony is powerful and I know the power of being able to share it and how someone else knowing they are not alone is very healing in itself.  I witnessed that power in group settings for my counseling.  I, all of a sudden, didn’t feel so crazy anymore.