A Beautiful Mess

A Sexual Abuse and Addiction Recovery Blog

Emotionally Disturbances

Here I am sitting in a room thinking about all kinds of things that really aren’t doing me any good.  Or perhaps they are… I remember in group they emphasized that we must feel the feelings in order to heal, but it’s so overwhelming emotionally that it’s hard to believe that it’s doing me any good.  Regardless, I do still trust in the process, although, it is taking much longer than I ever anticipated.  I doubt that I will ever be fully recovered.  It doesn’t sadden me as intensely as it once did, but it’s still disturbing.  I hate that so much of my life has been affected by something someone did to me as a child.

I do fantasize about his death.  I dream of the day I can go to his grave and finally feel peace that he is experiencing his own personal hell.  I’ve heard that anger is bad for me, but I can’t imagine forgiving him.  Ever.  I try and sometimes I can intellectualize how it might be good for me to do so, but my heart won’t let me.  My anger towards him is much more healing than forgiving him.  I don’t think all acts are forgivable.  Somethings in life are simply unacceptable.

I think about Mom frequently.  Although, I can look at photos of her now without completely falling apart.  I miss her.  She used to love to brush my hair, even as an adult… 🙂  I guess it’s true that to our parents we will always be their children… and although we become adults, they will still want to nurture and care for us, at times, like they did when we were children.  It makes for good memories.

I wouldn’t necessarily say I’m in thriving mode yet with this sexual abuse history of mine.  But I am beyond victim.  I am a survivor.  So that in itself is something to celebrate.  I dream of the day that what has happened to me won’t affect me as deeply as it still does, but something tells me, there will always be moments in time where I just have to cry and feel what I’m feeling.  I won’t ever be able to forget.

I’ve been spending time away from home just to change the scenery a bit and give myself some space and a different perspective.  Staring at the same four walls sometimes just makes my head spin.  I’m free to roam, but sometimes I choose to isolate.  Once in a while I’m seeking solitude… but mostly it’s isolation.  I have a hard time trusting these days.

On a positive note, I am here to “live to tell”.  My testimony is powerful and I know the power of being able to share it and how someone else knowing they are not alone is very healing in itself.  I witnessed that power in group settings for my counseling.  I, all of a sudden, didn’t feel so crazy anymore.

 

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Disarray

My life has been completely out of control lately and it seems that the only one who really knows this is me.  I have learned how to lie and how to keep things a secret so much more now.  It makes me sad that I’ve gotten so good at keeping those close to me out of my craziness.  Inside I am screaming help me… but no one can hear it.  I nearly broke down in tears today when I saw the proud fathers walking their small children to the bus.  I don’t know what it was, but out of nowhere I could barely breathe from trying to not feel whatever it was that I was feeling.  I’m missing out on life.  I’ve missed out on so much.  There will be a time in my life when I will regret all the time I never had with my family because I was too busy entertaining my addiction.  I’m scared inside.  I’m dying inside.  But no one knows…

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Whoa… Life Certainly Does Happen

In this moment.  I can feel my head pounding.  I can hear the keys on the keyboard.  I hear the television in the living room.  Outside the window the wind is making a rustle.  My right leg is bent over my left leg.  I feel the arm of the chair pressed against my leg.  My heart feels tight.  My eyes feel heavy.  Ahhh.  The feelings of betrayed trust.

Needed a moment to get in the moment.

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Self Compassion

Been having a couple of weeks that have been emotionally draining.  I’m pretty sure it has something to do with me being off of my medications and also being smack dab and in the midst of winter.  I’m having a hard time accepting that it’s okay to just survive right now.  After all, treading water certainly seems better than drowning.  It’s been difficult for me to truly allow myself to feel how I am feeling.  I keep judging it.  I feel lazy, withdrawn, depressed, zilch for energy.  I am thankful that I have my doctor’s appointment next Monday.  I am happy to know that this feeling will pass.  It’s why I celebrate the good so much.  I know that, too, will pass.

Life.  On life’s terms.

I’m working on not beating myself up, but lately I’ve had some negative thoughts creeping in.  It’s also some people on the outside of my head as well… some not so encouraging words, because I have never seem to deliver before, so why now?  And I feel their frustration, probably more than they will ever truly know.  All I’ve really wanted to do was make certain people in my life proud.  I seem to struggle with the basics sometimes… although other times I feel like I am kicking ass at life.

I don’t know.  I just needed to blog.  Vent.  Since there really isn’t anyone I can talk to about this.  Everyone is so busy with their lives and I, most certainly, hate feeling like a drama queen when discussing this with people who don’t get it.  It’s over their head and overwhelming.  I don’t want to put that on them and ultimately, there is nothing that they could do, but listen.  Sometimes I wish they could listen.  But when they hear the things I say I can see the looks of shock on their face.  I know they can’t handle my truth.  Disclosure is not 100% safe.   I feel like sometimes I have to put on this facade and be who society wants me to be.  When I do this, I feel so fake.  I want to just be able to be me, and not care what the world thinks.  I am moving closer to this, but I’m still quite sensitive to others opinions, particularly when they aren’t very nice.

Mad at myself for letting an old friend back in a door, as well.  Felt completely used and unappreciated after tending to their every need/demand because I felt bad that they were in a predicament.  On the flip side, they didn’t give a hoot about what I had going on and completely took advantage.

I don’t regret helping them.  I do regret that I will not be as quick to go out of my way for them again.  It is what it is.  All I can control is me.

My anxiety attacks have been in full effect.  Partially induced by myself because I keep letting a certain someone back in and within hours I am triggered again.  Practicing self soothing skills.  Trying to just allow myself to do whatever necessary for me to feel safe and not to feel silly about it.

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Riding the Waves

Let me start off with saying that I am truly blessed.  I am so very thankful with where I am in life.  There once was a time when this all seemed to be a fantasy… the family, the friends, the growing stability, the love, the wisdom… the coping skills 😉  But it’s all real now.  I still think about what a miracle occurred in my life.  Definitely some sort of divine intervention.

The relationship I spoke about very briefly in my prior post ended up fizzling.  I had an idea that it was over before it started, but that’s a whole other story for another day.

What’s irking me is Christmas.  Christmas is so flippin’ commercialized these days that it’s caused people to go into frenzies for days, weeks and months on end… they are stressed out, running around crazy, overpreparing, overspending, overindulging… just too much of everything, and not enough of what it’s really supposed to be about.

I want it to end.  And then, to top it off, mother nature decided that now would be a good time to visit.  I’m already irritated enough.  I do believe my coping skills are getting a work out, but I’m thankful that I have them.

Bah Humbug.  Oh, and Happy Holidays 😉

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And so the world turns…

Not a lot to report on my end of the spectrum.  Been learning to deal with boredom in more healthy ways.  Still feels a little odd sometimes just sitting at home on the weekend doing nothing, but it sure does beat the “excitement” of drugs and alcohol.

Starting dating someone.  We shall see how the tides of time play out.. 

I live in the moment.  And right now, I am sitting here pondering my life and what’s next.  For some, living in the moment would seem insane.  They have five year, ten year, life time plans and me… well I’m finally stepping out of the past and into the moment.  Not even sure that I want to mess with a good thing 😉  Although, I do know that as a responsible adult, I do need to realistically start planning my future.  Having some direction towards something long lasting.  But for now, I will celebrate my ability to leave my past where it belongs… in the past.

I will never forget it.  It’s shaped me into who I have become.

But I won’t continue to relive it over and over again like I did for so long.

Thankful.  Blessed.

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Freedom of Choice – Victim vs. Survivor

“Being a friend to yourself means believing and treating yourself in ways that are consistent with your belief that although we are victimized in life, being the victim is a free choice. We are free to choose.”

Sana Johnson-Quijada MD

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Respecting the Process

It’s been a while since I blogged.  So many wonderful things have happened.
For one, I am now employed FT and kicking major booty in the performance department.
I actually have health benefits… WHOA!
I have met some wonderful new people at work that I am starting to consider friends.
I am super flippin’ thankful!
Now with all that being said, it doesn’t mean that it’s all peaches and cream.  I’m still struggling.  I’m still fighting a daily battle to love myself unconditionally.  There are times that life is not what I want, but yet what I sadly choose.  I don’t beat myself up for choices that are not good for me, but I do realize that they are indicators.  Red flags that something must be put in check, because I know what a slippery slope things can be.
I am learning to respect the process, though.  I understand, fully, that my transformation into who I was and where I want to be is going to take time.  As they say, Rome wasn’t built overnight…

All in all, though, I’m still surviving and at times… even thriving.

Keep on keeping on and don’t lose patience or understanding of the journey.  It’s not quick and easy.  It’s hard as hell.  But I respect the process and I acknowledge that I am taking steps in the right direction.  Even though I may stumble, it’s that I get the hell back up that matters.
“Illegitimi non carborundum.”

((Don’t let the bastards grind you down.))

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My Life

Lost and misguided

Been there.

Did it.

Tried it.

Cried about it,

Lied about it,

Felt pain about it,

Beat around the bush about it.

Rationalized it.

Falsified it.

Satisfied it.

Crucified for it.

Rejected.

Dejected.

Subjected.

And yes, to few… Accepted.

Gained perspective.

Intercepted.

Submitted to it.

Admitted to it.

Committed to it.

A new page has opened for me.

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“I AM”

I AM sincere and loyal.

I WONDER if I will ever get married and what my life will be like in ten years from now.

I HEAR dreams whispering and thoughts creeping.

I SEE love and hope.

I AM sincere and loyal.

 

I PRETEND to be okay when I’m not.

I FEEL blessed.

I TOUCH the keys of the keyboard.

I CRY when I think about the relationship my mother and I never had.

I AM sincere and loyal.

 

I UNDERSTAND that everyone takes their own journey.

I SAY that recovery is hard, but it’s worth it.

I DREAM of a true love some day.

I TRY to give 100% on every task I take on.

I HOPE that someday I will be able to forgive my mother… fully and completely.

I AM sincere and loyal.

 

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