A Beautiful Mess

A Sexual Abuse and Addiction Recovery Blog

Riding the Waves

Let me start off with saying that I am truly blessed.  I am so very thankful with where I am in life.  There once was a time when this all seemed to be a fantasy… the family, the friends, the growing stability, the love, the wisdom… the coping skills 😉  But it’s all real now.  I still think about what a miracle occurred in my life.  Definitely some sort of divine intervention.

The relationship I spoke about very briefly in my prior post ended up fizzling.  I had an idea that it was over before it started, but that’s a whole other story for another day.

What’s irking me is Christmas.  Christmas is so flippin’ commercialized these days that it’s caused people to go into frenzies for days, weeks and months on end… they are stressed out, running around crazy, overpreparing, overspending, overindulging… just too much of everything, and not enough of what it’s really supposed to be about.

I want it to end.  And then, to top it off, mother nature decided that now would be a good time to visit.  I’m already irritated enough.  I do believe my coping skills are getting a work out, but I’m thankful that I have them.

Bah Humbug.  Oh, and Happy Holidays 😉

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Freedom of Choice – Victim vs. Survivor

“Being a friend to yourself means believing and treating yourself in ways that are consistent with your belief that although we are victimized in life, being the victim is a free choice. We are free to choose.”

Sana Johnson-Quijada MD


Respecting the Process

It’s been a while since I blogged.  So many wonderful things have happened.
For one, I am now employed FT and kicking major booty in the performance department.
I actually have health benefits… WHOA!
I have met some wonderful new people at work that I am starting to consider friends.
I am super flippin’ thankful!
Now with all that being said, it doesn’t mean that it’s all peaches and cream.  I’m still struggling.  I’m still fighting a daily battle to love myself unconditionally.  There are times that life is not what I want, but yet what I sadly choose.  I don’t beat myself up for choices that are not good for me, but I do realize that they are indicators.  Red flags that something must be put in check, because I know what a slippery slope things can be.
I am learning to respect the process, though.  I understand, fully, that my transformation into who I was and where I want to be is going to take time.  As they say, Rome wasn’t built overnight…

All in all, though, I’m still surviving and at times… even thriving.

Keep on keeping on and don’t lose patience or understanding of the journey.  It’s not quick and easy.  It’s hard as hell.  But I respect the process and I acknowledge that I am taking steps in the right direction.  Even though I may stumble, it’s that I get the hell back up that matters.
“Illegitimi non carborundum.”

((Don’t let the bastards grind you down.))


“…gifts from suffering…”

While in treatment at The Healing Center, I found that I heard this phrase a lot: “…gifts from suffering…”

That’s pretty deep to me.

A lot of times I can spend time dwelling on all of the losses and all of the pain and just basically stay focused on my trauma in the past.  But when I think about what my gifts are from suffering, I feel “the journey”.

Although there have been and will be times that seem dismal and overwhelming… the tides of life keep it moving.  It truly is a journey.

My gift from suffering is the ability to tune into another person’s emotions on a very empathic level.  I feel their pain.  I feel their joy.  While it’s a bit much sometimes, it is a gift.  I feel as though I can relate to people and show a level of compassion that people who have never experienced trauma could.  I feel comfort in seeking those people out, because they understand, I understand.  It’s a connection that a lot of people in life will never experience.  I feel like I am alive, alert… aware that life is precious but can be gone in the blink of an eye.  And just because we are breathing most certainly does not mean we are alive.

Blessed with gifts from suffering.

I ask you, my friend, can you identify a gift from your suffering?


No Rhyme, No Reason

I am extremely thankful for today.  I am enjoying the solitude and the silence.  An occasional sound of the keys clicking, but for the most part, it’s like a comforting melody to my soul.  In the moment… I feel blessed, grateful, relaxed, contemplative, hopeful, strong and beautiful.

I know my own heart.  I know my own intentions.  I’m truly beginning to become my own friend.  I no longer despise the woman I see in the mirror.  It’s like I’m waking up from a nightmare to find out it was all real.

I survived.


That alone, is an amazing statement considering what I have been through.

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Lost My Religion

I look back at my blog and see where I lost my religion, somewhere along the way.  I still consider myself to be very spiritual.  But I look to mother nature, the sun and the beauty all around.  I no longer associate with Christianity.

“I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.” – Gandhi

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Mourning Losses – And It Continues

Well there were obvious losses during my journey here in this lovely world.  Those were difficult to grieve.  But there are other losses that were not expected.  I was well aware of the ones that I needed to remove, but never gave a thought to the fact that some were looking at me as people they needed to remove, or simply chose to.  Part of me is really angry and upset.  I feel like I am being chastised as an adult for choices that I made as a child.  I was lost and confused.  I needed guidance, not judgment.  These people gave up on me long ago, without my noticing.  Now that I am working on reestablishing ties with my family, I notice that some just are going the other way.  It probably wouldn’t be so bad if they were broke and humbled, but they are not.  Their cutting me off feels more like black sheep of the family, something that they wish they could just sweep under the rug.  I can feel their looks of superiority and their eyes say it all.  Surely, they do know that it’s most certainly not their place to judge and that a little bit of compassion goes a long way?  Too high and mighty, imo.

No good deed goes unpunished.  Well most don’t, but there are a few that do.  Reached out to a friend in need and offered a hand.  Well, basically my hand was bitten and I guess I have to remember that I can’t help anyone that won’t help themselves and some people are just takers.

Positive things:  DAD <3, that man is the best thing I have in my life.  I’m blessed with such an amazing man for a father.

PAT <3, she is an outstanding women for raising me as her own.  I know that she still feels guilty about a lot of things, but you know what, she truly did her best with raising me and I’m truly blessed to have a woman love me like she does when I spent quite a few years dishing out teenage angst and grief.

LIGHT <3, all that was done in the dark was revealed in the light.  The light does not betray me, scare me or misguide me.

How do I put a positive spin on things?  How do I remove the victim within the survivor?  I choose to look at this as a way to see those that are truly there for me and celebrate their presence in my life.  I will not focus energy on attempting to make someone love or care about me.  Love is natural and if it must be pushed or prodded, it’s not the kind of love I seek.  I will be thankful for the breaths that I was given for this day and look at the clouds with wonder instead of yearning for the sun.  Life is a gift.  I just hope that I can allow myself to feel it’s joys instead of focusing on it’s pains.

People choosing not to place me in their life is a practice of my respecting their boundaries.  Boundaries are hard enough when they are our own… lol 🙂  It’s a two way street.

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You are not alone…

You are not alone!

You are not alone.

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Dalai Lama’s 18 Rules For Living

At the start of the new millennium the Dalai Lama issued eighteen rules for living.


Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.


When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.


Follow the three Rs: (R)espect for self, (R)espect for others, and take (R)esponsibility for all your actions.

Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.


Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.


Don’t let a little dispute injure a great friendship.


When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.


Spend some time alone every day.


Open your arms to change, but don’t let go of your values.


Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.


Live a good, honourable life. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll be able to enjoy it a second time.


A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.


In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don’t bring up the past.


Share your knowledge. It’s a way to achieve immortality.


Be gentle with the earth.


Once a year, go someplace you’ve never been before.


Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.


Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

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