A Beautiful Mess

A Sexual Abuse and Addiction Recovery Blog

Rock Bottom Has Arrived

It’s been a while since I have blogged.  I thought I had a grip.  I had a great relationship, a pet, a home and thought I was going to be on my way to the alter at some point.  I was dumped.  I relapsed.  I want to justify the relapse and say how it really wasn’t that bad and he should have stood by me during the hard times if he loved me the way that he did.  Long story short, he didn’t and I was on my own.  He was a vicious monster and changed the locks, talked a lot of shit about me and left me high and dry (no attempt at punny, but it happened).

My “mom by love” was sick of it all and she’s not one for having me stay at her house so I needed to make decisions quickly and the decision I had made was to move to Florida with my cousin.  That was a knee jerk reaction and a decision that was made in a highly emotional mind.  It wasn’t her fault for rushing me, but mine for not just sucking it up and going to the shelter and “putting my big girl panties on”.  I’ve been avoiding this bottom by reaching out, doing risque activities and just doing whatever I could to avoid anyone knowing how shitty my life had become.

Florida was great, but I really intruded upon my cousin’s life and was pushing boundaries.  I didn’t mean to push the boundaries, but my cousin’s trauma that she has dealt with in her life is just pushed to a corner of her mind that she doesn’t visit.  She has left it behind and doesn’t wish to unpack that box or revisit it.  Where I find it healing and soothing to discuss such things.  My social anxiety took over and when she said she was having 3-6 people over for Easter, I could barely breathe at the thought.  I have anxiety, but on the holidays it’s much more intense than any other time of the year.  I ended up running back to where I just ran from due to familiarity.

I wanted to write this eloquently, but right now, this is just a reminder of what I went through for myself to read later.  I relapsed hardcore when I came back from Florida.  I started out great.  I was in Milwaukee, half ass getting my shit together, when all of a sudden I had a great idea to run to Green Bay quick … score and then leave.  Should have been maybe 30 minutes in town and then back to my safe place in Milwaukee.  I ended up staying days in Green Bay, spending all the money I had and leaving my shit in the hotel in Milwaukee where they had to pack it up and set it aside.  Medication and all.   And to add insult to injury, I had borrowed my car to my dealer who wasn’t giving my car back.

During this time, a very popular website I was using to try and get on my feet was shut down by the FBI and my means to get “fast money” was abruptly stopped.  I had to make an exit from the place I was staying, with the dealer, because the environment was getting extremely hostile.  I ended up having to call the police on myself who then took me to the Crisis Center.  A great friend and his wife let me stay at their house for almost a full week while I almost ate them out of house and home.

April 30th, I will be entering drug treatment.  I just pray that between now and then I can stay clean.  Tomorrow, I head to the homeless shelter.  Life is uncomfortable and everything feels so out of character, but that’s a good sign right?

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Hard to Fathom

I’m still in recovery.  I’ve come to terms that it’s highly likely that I will need to see a therapist and/or still attend meetings for the remainder of my life.

What’s different at this point is… I have forgiven all who have harmed me.  And by doing so, it’s allowed me to move on from my past.  The anger, sadness and resentment were all poisons to my soul and not allowing me to be present in the moment.

I’ve finally found a place in recovery that I can call home.  It’s been a struggle because when I moved back home, the options were rather limited.  And after having the The Healing Center for two years while living in Milwaukee, I was disappointed with what little was available to me.  For me, tough love doesn’t work.  I experienced tough love for many years of my life, particularly my childhood, that it actually drives me to want to use.   I need a more compassionate environment to thrive.

For years, I denounced the idea of NA.  I thought that their approach to God indicated that I’d be sitting in a room with a bunch of people trying to convert me.  That is so far from the truth, it’s ridiculous.  Within the NA circles, God is very personal and the members respect that.  I can only speak on my experiences with the program in the little time I have been participating, but I’m ecstatic.  I need a spiritual awakening.  And to be able to do that on my terms, with people who have been in my shoes and have that guidance is nothing short of a pure recovery decadence.

In addition to going to face-to-face meetings, I have found a wonderful online community.  The people in there are wonderful.  It’s a great alternative to face-to-face meetings although we haven’t figured out how to hug through the internet… lol.  I really do miss the hugs!

I’m on Step One.  I have 15 days clean.  I am feeling excited, scared, thankful, grateful, overwhelmed and relaxed.  Quite the mixture of emotions, but I’m hanging in there.  Just for today.

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