A Beautiful Mess

A Sexual Abuse and Addiction Recovery Blog


I am feeling a deep sense of loss tonight.  I can’t stop thinking about my father and how much I miss him.  He was my security blanket and my comfort in times when I felt out of place.  I haven’t made the best decisions in my life and I’ve struggled with many obstacles.  I feel an immense amount of emotions that are very mixed.

I feel like the most important people in my life are all deceased now and I don’t know why all of a sudden I feel like I don’t fit in.  I feel like my stepmother is doing what she is doing out of sense of duty to him.  I know she loves me, but I’ve always questioned if she loves my cousins more than me.  I don’t know that she feels like I am truly her daughter, or if like my cousins, she just loves me like she loves them.  And I know that love is love, but when trying to decipher where I fit in the world, I guess it matters to me if she does love me more.  It sounds so silly to say, but these thoughts are really overwhelming my mind.

I spent an hour or so just reading about what happens when we die.  I think about seeing my father in the hospital and how gray he was and how vunerable he looked when during his whole life alive on this earth, I don’t believe I’ve ever truly seen him in a vunerable state.  I just am trying to deal with losing my best friend.  Wondering if she is going to leave my father’s home to them when she passes.  I don’t know.  I feel slightly like a selfish child with a sense of entitlement, but I’m also feeling like his only child, which I am, wondering if my father’s legacy will be passed on to someone other than me if and when she passes before me.

I love her dearly, but I am often excluded from activities on her family’s side.  I realize that a lot of this I brought on myself with never feeling truly connected to her family and moving away for many years.

——————————————>  NEXT DAY

Well computer shut off last night due to low battery.

I’m feeling a lot of pain regarding exclusion, estrangement and ostracization but I’ve come to the conclusion that I need to move into acceptance and just allow what is to be.  I can’t keep revictimizing myself by living in what if’s, what will be, and all that.  As far as who gets what and when and all that, I don’t care.  I can’t care.  For numerous reasons, but the biggest one is that it’s not an entitlement, it’s a gift and Dad’s gone.  What I wanted the most, I can’t have anymore and any of his material possessions, regardless of my emotional attachment to them and all that… well, they don’t matter to him anymore now that he’s gone to the great nothingness, so I have to realize it’s all just a memory now.  His memory will forever linger in the halls and rooms of that home and I will enjoy the memories I do have with him.  No amount of crying, pleading, bargaining or excelling will bring him back.  I, too, will someday join him into the quiet peace of nothing, but until then I will enjoy my life and try to be in the moment as much as possible because our lives are simply a quick snapshot of this universe.  Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.

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