A Beautiful Mess

A Sexual Abuse and Addiction Recovery Blog

The Fabric of Life

A lot has happened since I blogged last…

On July 4th, the four year anniversary of my mother’s death, my father passed away, too.  It was completely unexpected and caught me off guard.  The loss of my father is certainly different than what it was when my mother passed.  My mother and I had a tumultuous relationship with ups, but mostly downs.  Addiction and mental illness took her long before she physically passed.  Through her I learned that no matter how much you love some people and want to save them… ultimately they have to want to save themselves.  I learned that no matter how much love in the world… if they don’t want to change and aren’t ready for change, they won’t.

Dad and I were estranged for about 13 years and when I reentered the picture I had a lot of trust to regain.  I completely annihilated it through my active addiction and acting out on my PTSD.  About 1/3 of the way into my current healing journey  he could see changes taking place and I believe it was enough for him to put a little faith back in me.  Over the past three years, he became my best friend.  He cheered me on.  Told me about myself when I wasn’t flying right.  We hung out and shared so many good memories together.  Up until the day he passed he was fully functional.  He was out messing with the food plots, mowing the lawn, bbq’ing and attending bonfires.  He was alive one minute… and dead the next.  Showing up at the hospital and seeing him laying there with the breathing tube still taped to his mouth and laying there lifeless was my worst nightmare.  I had cried many times prior to him passing at just the thought of him passing.  I wasn’t prepared to lose him so soon.  I miss him intensely.  So very intensely.  I am very thankful for the times we shared prior to him leaving his physical being.  It gives me peace.  I felt loved.  I felt supported and I finally knew what unconditional love was after searching for it all along.  I once said to him that I was looking for love in all the wrong places because it wasn’t in the right places.  I could have never been more wrong.  I have never known a love like his and he was the only person that had been in my life from the very start that was still in my life and actively participating.  I feel like I want to just write every detail down about him and our times we shared just to make sure I never forget, but hopefully in due time, over time, I will be able to recall each and every monumental moment that we shared.

It’s a lonely feeling not having either one of my parents left on this earth.  I cry every time I think about him for any amount of time.  Just one more hug, just one more moment of laughter, one more ride in his truck… one more everything.  But I’m really starting to understand that we are all here for only a certain amount of time and when it’s our time… it’s just our time.

i started dating a man right before Dad passed.  The day before Dad passed he went over to introduce himself and for once in my life, Dad gave a thumbs up.  He was actually impressed (his words!!!).

I’m struggling with anxiety, restlessness and depression right now.  I’m on Day 100 out of 102 regarding not using any cocaine/crack.  I’m really proud of myself and I know my father is really happy for me, too.  Where ever his energy moved on to.  I’ve been using Mary Jane to help me cope, but unfortunately that’s going to have to come to an end.  I’m using so little it’s not even registering on a test as anything but “trace amounts”.  I prefer this method of coping because it is the safest for me.  But my boyfriend is not able to deal with it, so I must find another way to cope with my emotional imbalances at this point.  I wish I wasn’t so afraid of pills but watching my mother whither away from the abuse of pills has completely jaded my views on pills.  I’m feeling a bit resentful about not being able to medicate in a safe way, but my use will trigger my boyfriend and it will be used against me if he uses because I see him allowing it to be a justification to abuse whatever he would choose to use.  I cannot carry the weight of that on my shoulders right now.  Even though it would not be my fault for him using.  Recovery is something we must own and hold ourselves accountable.  I know I can’t blame others for what I do or don’t do.  I choose to make my own decisions.  I am an adult and I accept full responsibility for my own recovery; however, due to my current state of mind, I can’t emotionally handle the added drama because of an occasional toke or three of Mary Jane.

I’m seeing a therapist, but at this point in the game.  It’s more so to vent and not so much because I need her to guide me through any type of treatment program.  I know what I’m supposed to do.  Just sometimes I need a person on the outside looking in for some guidance.  According to her, I’m pretty far along my healing journey and at this point we are just trying to wrap it all up into one big picture and move into acceptance.

I suppose at some point I do need to fully accept things for what they are and appreciate that it’s what makes me… ME.

My stepmother… she’s been like a real Mom to me my whole life.  She’s been in my corner cheering me on, even through the darkest days.  I don’t know what I would do without her.  I fear losing her.  I fear falling out of touch with my Uncles and Aunt.  I fear that I will someday be completely out of touch with my cousins other than an occasional FB like.  I’ve been overthinking things to a fault and I’ve really been trying to keep myself from doing that.  It’s a vicious game my mind plays, but with time I am confident it will get better.

We spread Dad’s ashes on Labor Day and he was reunited with Grandpa at their favorite fishing spot.  I miss you Dad.  I miss you with every breath I take (that you gave), every minute that passes and with the song of every bird that I hear, every sunset that I see, every leaf on a tree and every wave of the Bay, the ocean, the lake and as long as I live… so will you.  I am you.  I thank you for being there for me and loving me when I couldn’t love myself.  I hope you can forgive me for all the stress I put you through and all the sleepless night and I’m so sorry that Mom manipulated you the way she did.  I hate that she did that.  But through it all, you gave me two gifts that I will forever be grateful for… unconditional love and a second Mom that loves me dearly and has seen me through my darkest hours and I have no doubt will continue to do so.  Okay a little doubt, but that’s due to my own insecurities.  I love you to the moon and back and your essence is still alive within me.

You are/were the best Dad ever.  And if they don’t believe us… they can just ask us 😉

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