A Beautiful Mess

A Sexual Abuse and Addiction Recovery Blog

In This Moment

My days are filled with sadness and sorrow.

I looking for unicorns, glitter and better tomorrows.

My choices are my own.

But it’s like I don’t even know myself in certain moments of time.

It’s like some other person, thing or energy overtakes me

and sings me a lullaby.

It makes me feel weak.

It makes me feel inadequate.

It makes me feel humbled.

It’s like a wild roller coaster ride that I’m in the passenger seat.

I feel like I don’t know me.

But as soon as I think I am starting to learn,

the roller coaster starts all over again.

I won’t give up.

But this shit is not easy.

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My Rant for Today

Fuck the unicorn and glitter today.  This asshole, loser, selfish, and cold bastard is never going to send me my mother’s teddy bears.  They were mine as a child and she always held on to them.  As I got older, I started buying her teddy bears to add to “our” collection.  I never wanted shit from my mother and after her death, that was all I wanted.  I didn’t care about what little money there was nor any of her other belongings.  Hell, his kids had already broke in and robbed her of most of her belongings prior to that.

I’m sad.  I’m hurt and I hate him.

That is all.

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A Poem For You, Mom

Every morning I miss you so much.

It’s like I can’t accept this moment your gone.

My mother, my nemesis, my worst enemy.

We could have had more if only you’d see.

I don’t know when you stopped caring,

or if you ever did.

All I know is, your gone.

And what could have been,

will never be.

 

 

It’s like I feel this immense weight on my shoulders.  She perpetrated abuse against me in a multitude of ways.  Her death just finalized things and what I always thought we would be, never was.  She never did come around to be my mother.  She just stayed an addict.  She completely chose men and drugs over me.  I understand that she came from a horrible background and was abused herself.  But never once did she ever even try to quit or even contemplate it.

 

It’s so hard for me to accept the fact that our relationship was all it was.  I cry daily over her death.  The closure that I got from this was most certainly not what I ever imagined.  It hurts like hell.  It’s been 9 months but it seems like I’m grieving so much more lately.

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