A Beautiful Mess

A Sexual Abuse and Addiction Recovery Blog

Mourning Losses – And It Continues

Well there were obvious losses during my journey here in this lovely world.  Those were difficult to grieve.  But there are other losses that were not expected.  I was well aware of the ones that I needed to remove, but never gave a thought to the fact that some were looking at me as people they needed to remove, or simply chose to.  Part of me is really angry and upset.  I feel like I am being chastised as an adult for choices that I made as a child.  I was lost and confused.  I needed guidance, not judgment.  These people gave up on me long ago, without my noticing.  Now that I am working on reestablishing ties with my family, I notice that some just are going the other way.  It probably wouldn’t be so bad if they were broke and humbled, but they are not.  Their cutting me off feels more like black sheep of the family, something that they wish they could just sweep under the rug.  I can feel their looks of superiority and their eyes say it all.  Surely, they do know that it’s most certainly not their place to judge and that a little bit of compassion goes a long way?  Too high and mighty, imo.

No good deed goes unpunished.  Well most don’t, but there are a few that do.  Reached out to a friend in need and offered a hand.  Well, basically my hand was bitten and I guess I have to remember that I can’t help anyone that won’t help themselves and some people are just takers.

Positive things:  DAD <3, that man is the best thing I have in my life.  I’m blessed with such an amazing man for a father.

PAT <3, she is an outstanding women for raising me as her own.  I know that she still feels guilty about a lot of things, but you know what, she truly did her best with raising me and I’m truly blessed to have a woman love me like she does when I spent quite a few years dishing out teenage angst and grief.

LIGHT <3, all that was done in the dark was revealed in the light.  The light does not betray me, scare me or misguide me.

How do I put a positive spin on things?  How do I remove the victim within the survivor?  I choose to look at this as a way to see those that are truly there for me and celebrate their presence in my life.  I will not focus energy on attempting to make someone love or care about me.  Love is natural and if it must be pushed or prodded, it’s not the kind of love I seek.  I will be thankful for the breaths that I was given for this day and look at the clouds with wonder instead of yearning for the sun.  Life is a gift.  I just hope that I can allow myself to feel it’s joys instead of focusing on it’s pains.

People choosing not to place me in their life is a practice of my respecting their boundaries.  Boundaries are hard enough when they are our own… lol 🙂  It’s a two way street.

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