A Beautiful Mess

A Sexual Abuse and Addiction Recovery Blog

Goodbye Mom

My heart is hurting so badly.  Knowing that what I always hoped and dreamed would materialize… will never… it hurts.  I never wanted to give up.  I always believed that someday, somehow we would have our time, our moment, our happiness… our day… but it won’t.  It’s over.  I never would have thought in a million years that it would NEVER happen.  I feel so much hurt, anger and finalness.

I have chased your love and affection for so long.  I just don’t understand why someone would be given the “gift” of life to endure so much pain and suffering as you did.  I know that you did what you had to survive in this world.  I know that in your childhood so much was done that you just wanted to make the pain go away.  I understand.  I understand all too well.  I just hoped and prayed that one day things would be different.

I love you, Mom.  I miss you.  I’ve been missing you for a long time.  I’m devastated that things ended up this way.  My heart is broken in a million pieces about what will never be and what never was.

I do hope that where you are… you find some peace and wholeness… I am so sorry for all the suffering and pain you endured.  I wish I could have saved you.  I wanted to rescue you and make it all better, but you didn’t allow me.  You had to save yourself, but you didn’t… you resisted.  I hope that you know how much I love you and how much I wanted us to be something more… I wanted to be there for you.  I tried.  I tried.  I tried.

My heart is truly broken.  And there just isn’t always a happily ever after.  I will move beyond the anger… I’m just so disappointed right now.  I need to find some peace… I need to make sure that I don’t go down the same path, but I’m scared.  I’m here dealing with this mess of a life of my own losing the one person I so desperately wanted to be there for me like they should… but they couldn’t or didn’t want to…

So sad.  So very, very sad.

RIP Mom.  I love you and I wish things could have been different.  </3

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