A Beautiful Mess

A Sexual Abuse and Addiction Recovery Blog

Life as I Know It

on May 4, 2011

Disclosure were definitely a lot tougher than anticipated.  All the while, I thought I was really excited to disclose, but then I realized that I was so scared.  I had to acknowledge the truth for what it was and as time was nearing more and more memories were surfacing.  I learned to place accountability where it belonged.  I identified my abusers.  I am learning that the shame is not mine to hold.  I did nothing wrong.  I was a child.

My new one on one at THC is amazing.  Her energy, honesty and approach works really well for me.  I am blessed.  She has pointed me in the direction of a more comprehensive program that I started this week.  It addresses drugs and alcohol.  I didn’t even see treatment coming, but I am so thankful.  I never contemplated total sobriety, because I leaned on the occasional drink or some mary jane (marijuana) from time to time, but even that isn’t good for me.  Drinking is my gateway drug, it opens Pandora’s Box and it’s like a lottery.  Sometimes it’s good, but when it’s bad… well, it’s tragic.  The program I am in does urinary analysis for accountability.  I’ve never had full accountability in a program and I am excited to say that I’m on Day Four of total sobriety.  It’s not a lot, but it’s a great start.  I am looking forward to the day that I can receive a slip that congratulates me on clean pee 🙂

I’ve removed 99.9% of my triggers.  Even decided that for now, my best friend needs to be kept at arm’s length.  She wasn’t respecting my recovery, because she was consistently discussing her alcohol and drug usage with me – can’t have that, it makes me want to use.

For me, finding things to fill my time is a priority.  I know that boredom is a big one for me.  I get bored, I want to use.  BUT, I am committed and I know that there are much better and more constructive things to do with my time.  I want to thrive in life.  I’ve shed the victim skin, I am now a survivor.  My goal?  To thrive in life.  To not waste another moment.  I want to live my life.  My anger motivates me in a constructive way, because I don’t want to allow my abusers to live another day knowing that I am not living, but simply existing.  I am taking my power back.  I am OWNING my life.  I don’t want to talk about it, I want to be about it.

Blessed.

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