A Beautiful Mess

A Sexual Abuse and Addiction Recovery Blog

Healing and Recovery – The Ebbs and Flows

It’s a beautiful day today.

81 degrees to be exact.

Other than feeling a bit like I’m isolating, I can’t really complain.

Plan of action this week with my one on one at The Healing Center is to write three positive things I have done over the course of the day.

I’m struggling a bit with the three positive things when I wake up, but it appears that they just happen.  So that is a good sign.  I’m struggling with the lack of ability to put structure into my own life outside of treatment and groups.  I am thankful that I have them for that very reason right now.  I’ve been checking in with SROL – Smart Recovery Online on a daily or every other day basis.  I love the program, but because the treatment’s approach I am in is working so well, I don’t lean on it as much as I did in the past.  I do honor the idea that everyone’s approach to recovery and healing is personal and as varied in methods as the number of stars in the Universe.

For me, the avoiding triggers, fighting triggers, and a more structured approach is working for me.  I spent a moment entertaining the idea of revisiting some places that I loved to hang out but have been avoiding because they serve alcohol.  But while visiting SMART, it seems that many, even from the get go, are able to do these activities without any reservations or rather with a plan of action.  I feel a bit weakened by this because I see them handling it and I wonder why I feel as though I can’t.  All I know is, that right now, I will not do this because, for me, I’m not sure that is a safe option.

But it does slightly romanticize the idea of it to me.

I recognize it and am telling on myself about it because I know that this journey of recovery and healing is personal to me and I have to do what is in MY best interest.  Regardless of what others can and cannot do.  This journey is mine and I’m owning it.

Now that I have finished the Adults Molested as Children group, I do feel a lot of closure and have a better understanding of what happened.  The intense emotions are no longer there when I talk about it, but there is still a dull ache that I’m not sure will completely go away no matter how long I am alive.

I am wishing on a star and keeping my fingers crossed that I will be able to be squeezed into the Adult Sexual Assault group, because now that I’ve addressed the other issues, I find that a lot of feelings are bubbling up from those that I have to keep suppressing, because I’m not in a position to rationalize it all out on my own.  So as a coping mechanism, I am just not talking or thinking about it much, so I don’t trigger myself into any substance abuse.  It’s my plan of safety right now.  Although, I’d much rather just dig in and make some sense and get some closure on it.  But c’est la vie, and what will be, will be.

I’m currently working on Day 22 of complete sobriety.  It’s not as hard as it was in the past, but I can honestly say that I never really was committed to the idea of complete sobriety.  I always leaned on “Mary Jane” aka marijuana and would justify my usage.  If it wasn’t for accountability via urinary analysis, I probably never would have even considered it, but now that I’m without it, I realize that I function fine without it.  In fact, I feel like I function much better without it.  I don’t feel as tired as I used to.  I feel more lively.

I just wanted to check in, so that when a year from now I reference back, I can see the strides and feel the tides of healing and recovery, when I may visit a place of complacency.  In addition, I wanted to make sure that I did something that was positive and motivating towards my recovery to counteract the feelings of isolation.

Mission accomplished.  No longer isolating, but rather enjoying a moment of solitude with the sound of the keys clicking and making a positive step towards my new thought patterns and striving to be thriving.

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Life as I Know It

Disclosure were definitely a lot tougher than anticipated.  All the while, I thought I was really excited to disclose, but then I realized that I was so scared.  I had to acknowledge the truth for what it was and as time was nearing more and more memories were surfacing.  I learned to place accountability where it belonged.  I identified my abusers.  I am learning that the shame is not mine to hold.  I did nothing wrong.  I was a child.

My new one on one at THC is amazing.  Her energy, honesty and approach works really well for me.  I am blessed.  She has pointed me in the direction of a more comprehensive program that I started this week.  It addresses drugs and alcohol.  I didn’t even see treatment coming, but I am so thankful.  I never contemplated total sobriety, because I leaned on the occasional drink or some mary jane (marijuana) from time to time, but even that isn’t good for me.  Drinking is my gateway drug, it opens Pandora’s Box and it’s like a lottery.  Sometimes it’s good, but when it’s bad… well, it’s tragic.  The program I am in does urinary analysis for accountability.  I’ve never had full accountability in a program and I am excited to say that I’m on Day Four of total sobriety.  It’s not a lot, but it’s a great start.  I am looking forward to the day that I can receive a slip that congratulates me on clean pee 🙂

I’ve removed 99.9% of my triggers.  Even decided that for now, my best friend needs to be kept at arm’s length.  She wasn’t respecting my recovery, because she was consistently discussing her alcohol and drug usage with me – can’t have that, it makes me want to use.

For me, finding things to fill my time is a priority.  I know that boredom is a big one for me.  I get bored, I want to use.  BUT, I am committed and I know that there are much better and more constructive things to do with my time.  I want to thrive in life.  I’ve shed the victim skin, I am now a survivor.  My goal?  To thrive in life.  To not waste another moment.  I want to live my life.  My anger motivates me in a constructive way, because I don’t want to allow my abusers to live another day knowing that I am not living, but simply existing.  I am taking my power back.  I am OWNING my life.  I don’t want to talk about it, I want to be about it.

Blessed.

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