A Beautiful Mess

A Sexual Abuse and Addiction Recovery Blog

It’s Non-Negotiable

on February 25, 2011

In group, we have been discussing non-negotiable traits a person would have if they were to remain or be included in our support circle.  I am pretty hurt by something someone close to me said and did.

I discussed what we were doing in group and told them about my day.  And then this dialogue followed:

Them:  I was raped at work today.  I told my manager.  ((laughing))

Me: You were raped?

Them: Yes, someone took my tools at work and didn’t ask me.  They did it without my consent.  I was raped.  ((more laughing))

Me: Do you realize how hurtful it is that you would compare what I’ve been through and what many others have been through to you having a coworker borrow your tools?  Do you realize how much you are minimizing what I am going through?

Them: I was joking.  Don’t you get it?  I don’t think you are looking at it from my perspective.

Me:  ((sigh))

I worry sometimes that with everything going on that I may be a bit overly sensitive, so I did call a handful of people in my support network to ask them how they felt about this.  They pretty much all agreed that it was in poor taste and not something that someone who is included in my support network should be doing.

Later I spoke with them and they said, “Sorry.”  They didn’t say for what and I wasn’t for sure if they were speaking on that incident or something else.  I asked them.  They said, “I don’t know.”  Some went as far as to say that it seemed it lacked respect for me.

All I know is that in my life and in the direction I am heading, there are two things that are non-negotiable.  Sensitivity to what I am going through and thoughtfulness.  I guess it’s time to take a time out from this person and create some distance.  It’s probably one of the most hurtful things that someone in my support circle has done.  I can’t make them be sensitive to what I am going through and I’ve blogged about this person before and confronted them on a number of occasions to perhaps enlighten them, but they resist.  I can’t make someone be someone that they are not.

I do feel an intense amount of guilt for creating this space between me and this person because they were always rescuing me when I was in the throws of my self medicating.  However, I can’t allow someone to minimize me and what I am going through simply because of that.  I will work through the guilt.


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