A Beautiful Mess

A Sexual Abuse and Addiction Recovery Blog

Open Wounds

on February 17, 2011

Spending my life self medicating and finding ways to numb myself from the emotions that I have always felt from the moment of disclosure was how I survived.  I have to honor that.  Things that happened to me as a child went far beyond any coping skills I had acquired at that moment.  Because of this, now that I am in treatment, every feeling/emotion that I had then is resurfacing now, but with some extra added ones.  I am going through an anger stage.  I am mad that I wasn’t protected nor believed.  I was ostracized and removed from my family at an early age.  It left me feeling unwanted, unloved, not believed, guilty, shameful and I was betrayed by those closest to me.

I know therapy will help but right now I am drudging up a lot of negative feelings, but they do say it gets worse before it gets better.  I do believe that or I would have stopped some time ago.  It’s one of those days.  I am having a lot of flashbacks today and I’m going to stop blogging and go work some of my other coping skills.  All I know is that I somehow want to get this off my mind so I don’t have nightmares about this.

On a positive note, the weather was amazing and I’ll be spending time with family and friends over the weekend.


3 responses to “Open Wounds

  1. It’s wonderful that you’re getting help with it all, and that you’re spending some time with friends and family! It’s really great. Yep, the pain and the anger, and all of the feelings you couldn’t really “feel” back then… they’ll be there for a while yet.

    I may be a stranger to you, but I know how much it’ll mean to hear someone say they’re proud of you for making it this far. So I’ll say it, because I’ve been where you’re at, and no one should EVER have to be there.

    I am proud of you. 🙂

  2. Just wanted to let you know that you aren’t alone in getting past your abuse. Dealing with the emotions of the abuse is so hard. I know exactly how you feel. Thanks for sharing your struggle.

  3. Lisa says:

    Hope you’re feeling better than when you wrote this.

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