A Beautiful Mess

A Sexual Abuse and Addiction Recovery Blog

I Bought a Pencil…

on February 11, 2011

I love to write in pen.  I hate pencils.  But after receiving our “self care project” aka homework, I will be needing it.  We were given a house on a piece of paper, on one side of the house, we are to list the supportive people in our lives at the time of the abuse.  On the other side we are to list those that were not.  I don’t want to live in denial, but it’s going to hurt to write it down in pen and make it permanent.  So I bought a pencil…  Does it take away the permanent’ness of it all for me?  No.  But it is serving as a bit of a coping skill while I do put it in.  It’s really sad to acknowledge it.  Nonetheless, bring the healing on!

In group today, I think what really stood out the most to me was the fact that I still have this inner compulsion to have a need met from my childhood.  I play a part in perpetuating my abuse by seeking the love of those that didn’t protect me.  I don’t know how to separate quite yet, we haven’t gotten that far.  But I am very much looking forward to it, because it has me in limbo about some very important things.  Trusting in the process.  All in due time.

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