A Beautiful Mess

A Sexual Abuse and Addiction Recovery Blog

Baaa Baaa Black Sheep

on February 1, 2011

I am having a hard time dealing with anger issues lately.  I feel like my parents aren’t being as supportive as they could with my recovery.  If I don’t call, I don’t hear from them.  I’m mad at them.  I’m mad at my perpetrator.  I know that I have a lot to be thankful for, but it doesn’t negate the fact that I feel like my losses are actually materializing to me more now than ever.  I feel like not only did my perpetrator steal my childhood and cause me an unnecessarily painful journey to this point, but I lost a lot of time with my family.  I distanced myself.  I never could put my finger on what was wrong with me.  I feel like the black sheep of the family because of all of the “issues” I have.  I have missed out on so much.  I may have possibly lost the opportunity to have relationships with younger relatives, because I was absent for so long trying to self medicate and make whatever was wrong with me go away.  It hurts.  It’s one of the worst “break ups” that I have experienced in my life.

I don’t like that for so long I was viewed as “bad”, “misbehaving”, “acting out” and to some, “never had a chance”.  It’s a flood of emotions that are surfacing more and more.  I’m letting it out, avoiding all methods of self medication.  I want it to hurt, because I want to put this behind me.  If I don’t deal with it now, it will never heal.  I am not bad.  I was just very confused and had quite a bit of trauma bottled up inside of me.  I had noone to talk to since my initial disclosure was far from good.  I felt broken.  I still feel broken.  But I have hope that someday I will be less broken.

It’s strange that what happened in Memphis triggered a ton of memories about my childhood sexual abuse.  Now that I am getting treatment for that, it’s triggering a lot of memories of what happened in Memphis.  I can’t get the image of my perpetrator(s) out of my mind… what a horrible night and day it was in Memphis.  It was, by far, the most horrible experience ever and I had no doubt that it was only moments before I was about to die.

Well I didn’t die, not physically, but emotionally and spiritually it did a lot of damage.  I am on my way to healing and recovery, but it’s not easy and it’s really hard without the support of my family on a regular basis.


One response to “Baaa Baaa Black Sheep

  1. i’m so sorry u r hurting. u r not alone. keep talking.

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