A Beautiful Mess

A Sexual Abuse and Addiction Recovery Blog

It’s Non-Negotiable

In group, we have been discussing non-negotiable traits a person would have if they were to remain or be included in our support circle.  I am pretty hurt by something someone close to me said and did.

I discussed what we were doing in group and told them about my day.  And then this dialogue followed:

Them:  I was raped at work today.  I told my manager.  ((laughing))

Me: You were raped?

Them: Yes, someone took my tools at work and didn’t ask me.  They did it without my consent.  I was raped.  ((more laughing))

Me: Do you realize how hurtful it is that you would compare what I’ve been through and what many others have been through to you having a coworker borrow your tools?  Do you realize how much you are minimizing what I am going through?

Them: I was joking.  Don’t you get it?  I don’t think you are looking at it from my perspective.

Me:  ((sigh))

I worry sometimes that with everything going on that I may be a bit overly sensitive, so I did call a handful of people in my support network to ask them how they felt about this.  They pretty much all agreed that it was in poor taste and not something that someone who is included in my support network should be doing.

Later I spoke with them and they said, “Sorry.”  They didn’t say for what and I wasn’t for sure if they were speaking on that incident or something else.  I asked them.  They said, “I don’t know.”  Some went as far as to say that it seemed it lacked respect for me.

All I know is that in my life and in the direction I am heading, there are two things that are non-negotiable.  Sensitivity to what I am going through and thoughtfulness.  I guess it’s time to take a time out from this person and create some distance.  It’s probably one of the most hurtful things that someone in my support circle has done.  I can’t make them be sensitive to what I am going through and I’ve blogged about this person before and confronted them on a number of occasions to perhaps enlighten them, but they resist.  I can’t make someone be someone that they are not.

I do feel an intense amount of guilt for creating this space between me and this person because they were always rescuing me when I was in the throws of my self medicating.  However, I can’t allow someone to minimize me and what I am going through simply because of that.  I will work through the guilt.

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Open Wounds

Spending my life self medicating and finding ways to numb myself from the emotions that I have always felt from the moment of disclosure was how I survived.  I have to honor that.  Things that happened to me as a child went far beyond any coping skills I had acquired at that moment.  Because of this, now that I am in treatment, every feeling/emotion that I had then is resurfacing now, but with some extra added ones.  I am going through an anger stage.  I am mad that I wasn’t protected nor believed.  I was ostracized and removed from my family at an early age.  It left me feeling unwanted, unloved, not believed, guilty, shameful and I was betrayed by those closest to me.

I know therapy will help but right now I am drudging up a lot of negative feelings, but they do say it gets worse before it gets better.  I do believe that or I would have stopped some time ago.  It’s one of those days.  I am having a lot of flashbacks today and I’m going to stop blogging and go work some of my other coping skills.  All I know is that I somehow want to get this off my mind so I don’t have nightmares about this.

On a positive note, the weather was amazing and I’ll be spending time with family and friends over the weekend.

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Valentine’s Day With Someone Special <3

I’m slowly starting to embrace most holidays with a certain level of tolerance unlike many years where I would just want to break down and cry uncontrollably.  This is the year of prioritizing myself and my healing.  Spent way too many years miserable!  Today, I am with the most amazing Valentine ever – myself 😉  We have our “Love Bites” t-shirt on and we made a Talking Tom video that says “Bite Me”.  Me, Myself and I are actually having a very fun day.  I may be using humor to fake it until I make it, but it’s much better of a coping skill than what I have used in the past.

I hope all of my friends and family are having an amazing day filled with lots of laughter, love and moments that build lifetime memories!

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No Love Lost

Bah.  Got a call from “jerkface”.  I’m so not referring to these people by real name, nor will I refer to them as my family.  Tired of perpetuating abuse by seeking the love and validation from people who protect my abusers / perpetrators, what have you.  It’s disgusting that somehow in all of this mess, they try and hide it all so much.  And then to want to have a “secret” relationship with me because they don’t want to rock the boat.  Well, let me help you… I’ll change my number, cut ties and move on.  That way you can sit in your boat with the comfort of all of them and just enjoy “being” ((insert heavy sarcasm)).  I don’t need anyone to support me … “secretly”.  Either you do or you don’t, but no love lost.  Because I’m tired of seeking and searching and trying to make amends with people who hurt me and continue to do so.  Feel free to carry on with your lives and just know that I am no longer silent, but fret not, I do not wish to confront any of my abusers.  Why would I do something like that when they don’t have half a sense in their damn brain anyways and they continuously lie to themselves to stay safe inside this fake ass world they created so that they can cope.  I choose to be enlightened.  Get me the hell out of this dark closet with all of you.  I don’t care anymore.  I throw my hands up and I give up.  I am not interested in seeking validation from any of my abusers anymore.  I was just a very confused child who didn’t know any better.  But now that I am a grown woman and I can see things for what they are… I’m all good.  I forgive every last one of them, but for my own good, I am not pursuing any type of relationship with any of them from this day forward.

It’s bittersweet.

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I Bought a Pencil…

I love to write in pen.  I hate pencils.  But after receiving our “self care project” aka homework, I will be needing it.  We were given a house on a piece of paper, on one side of the house, we are to list the supportive people in our lives at the time of the abuse.  On the other side we are to list those that were not.  I don’t want to live in denial, but it’s going to hurt to write it down in pen and make it permanent.  So I bought a pencil…  Does it take away the permanent’ness of it all for me?  No.  But it is serving as a bit of a coping skill while I do put it in.  It’s really sad to acknowledge it.  Nonetheless, bring the healing on!

In group today, I think what really stood out the most to me was the fact that I still have this inner compulsion to have a need met from my childhood.  I play a part in perpetuating my abuse by seeking the love of those that didn’t protect me.  I don’t know how to separate quite yet, we haven’t gotten that far.  But I am very much looking forward to it, because it has me in limbo about some very important things.  Trusting in the process.  All in due time.

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A Moment of Gratitude

In the midst of all the processing of everything that has happened in my life, I would like to take a moment to list people and things that I am blessed with:

The Healing Center

A Support Network

Roof Over My Head

Food

Clothing

Hot Water

Heat

Health

Life

Internet 🙂

Phone

Chocolate… lol

 

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Baaa Baaa Black Sheep

I am having a hard time dealing with anger issues lately.  I feel like my parents aren’t being as supportive as they could with my recovery.  If I don’t call, I don’t hear from them.  I’m mad at them.  I’m mad at my perpetrator.  I know that I have a lot to be thankful for, but it doesn’t negate the fact that I feel like my losses are actually materializing to me more now than ever.  I feel like not only did my perpetrator steal my childhood and cause me an unnecessarily painful journey to this point, but I lost a lot of time with my family.  I distanced myself.  I never could put my finger on what was wrong with me.  I feel like the black sheep of the family because of all of the “issues” I have.  I have missed out on so much.  I may have possibly lost the opportunity to have relationships with younger relatives, because I was absent for so long trying to self medicate and make whatever was wrong with me go away.  It hurts.  It’s one of the worst “break ups” that I have experienced in my life.

I don’t like that for so long I was viewed as “bad”, “misbehaving”, “acting out” and to some, “never had a chance”.  It’s a flood of emotions that are surfacing more and more.  I’m letting it out, avoiding all methods of self medication.  I want it to hurt, because I want to put this behind me.  If I don’t deal with it now, it will never heal.  I am not bad.  I was just very confused and had quite a bit of trauma bottled up inside of me.  I had noone to talk to since my initial disclosure was far from good.  I felt broken.  I still feel broken.  But I have hope that someday I will be less broken.

It’s strange that what happened in Memphis triggered a ton of memories about my childhood sexual abuse.  Now that I am getting treatment for that, it’s triggering a lot of memories of what happened in Memphis.  I can’t get the image of my perpetrator(s) out of my mind… what a horrible night and day it was in Memphis.  It was, by far, the most horrible experience ever and I had no doubt that it was only moments before I was about to die.

Well I didn’t die, not physically, but emotionally and spiritually it did a lot of damage.  I am on my way to healing and recovery, but it’s not easy and it’s really hard without the support of my family on a regular basis.

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