A Beautiful Mess

A Sexual Abuse and Addiction Recovery Blog

Strong Urge to Use

On Friday, I resisted an urge to use that was insane.  My whole body was shaking.  I was experiencing all the symptoms as if I had used, but I hadn’t.  I recognized the irrational thought that brought me to almost rationalizing why I could or should use.  That irrational thought was, “what’s the point?  why bother?”.  A friend had upset me and I immediately thought to sabotage it all just because.  I didn’t use.  But the urge lasted almost three hours.  It did peak and then VERY SLOWLY went away.  Rough day, but I had made it through.  The fact that I had a get together with family the next day helped a lot, but even that in itself wasn’t enough.  I had to completely divert my attention to other things.  I cried like a baby for the next two days.  Been an emotional roller coaster, but I can do this.

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Summer, Not What I Expected

So here I sit, kind of feeling like I was sucked into a tornado and spit out.  I’m still dazed from what came to be right after graduation from SATR (recovery) group.  All those tools and information available to me.  I guess I should be grateful for having them, because things could have been incredibly worse.

I moved to 920 because a friend of mine lost their home due to being incarcerated.  This was a blessing, I had thought to myself.  I thought being closer to family and facing my demons of the past would be good for me.  HAH.  Well, not only did I ignorantly move into a former drug house thinking I could turn into a home with no consequence, I also was way too early in my recovery to be “testing” myself.  After four attempted break in’s, I started to really dread being in that house.  It was to the point that I was afraid to be in there and I felt nauseous the minute I walked in.  I would immediately feel relief upon walking out the door.  This ended up causing me a lot of turmoil.  Some of which lead to drug usage.

Another unrealistic expectation I had – my family isn’t going to come running back to me immediately after everything I’ve put them through.  So I was expecting that the minute I graduated from my recovery program, that they would welcome me with open arms and be calling me in their free time to hang out.  That’s not the case.  I sacrificed the trust and open arms of my family by using drugs.  Fifteen years of usage and a 16 week program doesn’t send family rushing in.  They are overtly cautious.  I understand.

I spent a lot of time alone and the people I did know, were nothing more than con artists, manipulators and people who loved my money – masked as friends.  They did a good job of fooling me when I was in the throws of self medicating, but dealing with them in a sober mind and really wanting recovery, I saw another side to these wolves in sheep’s clothing.

I felt like I was running away from my problems.  But I just am not strong enough yet to have to deal like that on a daily basis.  I brought my butt back to 414.

I have enough money to get my apartment.  I’ve been searching.  I know that even my family is being cautious, anyone who looks at my background is probably going to be as well.  I am being patient and having faith that it will happen for me.

Been spending more time on SMART Message Board and I really like the community of it right now.  I’ve been isolating a lot and using food as a comfort.  I’m ready to make some progress changing those things.

I finished my Cost/Benefit Analysis on my alcohol/drug usage.  You can check it out here.

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