A Beautiful Mess

A Sexual Abuse and Addiction Recovery Blog

Weekend Drama ((I’ll Never Be Perfect))

on May 16, 2010

I’ve mentioned this before about me having a really rough time coping with the weekends.  I do not need to keep a log of when some of my coping skills get a real workout.  It’s Friday and Saturday nights.  I guess years and years of scheduled partying doesn’t just go away after a weekend or two.  Some habits are seriously hard to break.

Friday night, unsafe coping ending up in a 1/2 pint of UV Vodka being consumed by me.  Not that I’m an alcoholic and I have to abstain from alcohol completely, but I do have a habit of drinking or using drugs to numb my emotions.  Friday, not quite sure what the trigger was, became completely unbearable for me.  I drank and it felt good and bad.  My therapy discourages any use of alcohol or drugs pretty much altogether, but without any prescribed pills or what have you, I decided that I’d rather have a drink than cry all damn evening.  Uncontrollably and balled up in a corner on the floor with all of my trauma flashing before my eyes.  Every time I attempted to put one incident out of my mind, another would enter.  It was like some sad, B-rated, psychedelic, freaky movie or something.  I attempted coping with “changing the channel”, and “grounding”, but it appeared that the emotions overrode both attempts.  The alcohol, at least for me, took some of the edge off.  I could not deal with life on life’s terms.

I’m surely hoping that there is a normalness to this, but I’m not sure.  I am very scared that this is some sign that I may never be completely normal.  I really don’t know.  I suppose that I will have to discuss this in group to get a grip on things.

I am trying to avoid the use of alcohol through the process of therapy so that I can really get a grip.  Drugs need to be a 100% void in my life.  And as much as I am justifying my alcohol use this weekend, I still know it was wrong.  I felt very guilty about it and mad at myself for not allowing myself to just feel the feelings and deal.  But it was just so overwhelming.  I do realize that I am not perfect.  I won’t be.  And a day of using, is just one day of using and doesn’t define my whole life.  I’m trying.  I felt a bit defeated this weekend, but I’m well on my way to better days.  I’m still keeping my eye on the prize and trying to be the best me possible.

And if this is the worst of my issues right now in my life.  I can deal with it.  I just really want everything to be what I deem as ideal to happen for me right now, but I have to have patience and realize that it’s not my will, but His.

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