A Beautiful Mess

A Sexual Abuse and Addiction Recovery Blog

Saying Goodbye to Yesterday

on May 7, 2010

I am having a hard time in my life right now with a long time friend and possible husband.  LOL.  I know that sounds odd.  But I do have a friend that was very supportive through all of my cocaine using and alcohol abusing days.  I don’t think we are going to be together anymore.  I always looked to him to save me and be there for me.  And he always has been.  But the more sober I get and the more I look at past events, I’m beginning to think that it’s unrealistic for us to be together.  They have no intention of going sober and I’ve never been a fan of them when they are drunk and it’s even worse when I’m sober.  They say really insensitive things now and I don’t think that they even realize it.  Or they do and it’s their manipulative tendencies that surface when the alcohol is present.  How could someone who says they want to marry me, tell me that while being supportive that they would basically still drink around me and I’d have to deal.  That doesn’t sound like something I’m interested in.  I’m actually quite angry.  I’m getting better and looking at things like things could have been a possibility, but instead of getting closer.  We are getting further apart.  I’m happy for them.  I’m happy they have the job that they want, a great family and all that.  But when a person kind of throws it in my face, I feel resentful.

I’m not sure, but I do know, that sometimes people come for a season, a reason or a lifetime.  Perhaps he was my guardian angel through my dark valley, because God needed help.  I was so much more than a FT job.  The predicaments I would get myself into were just disgusting.  And here I am in therapy and feeling so selfish that I can’t be his sunshine after the rain because it just brings rain to me.  Talk about guilt multiplied.  All I know is that I can’t worry about that right now.  I have to stay true to my therapy right now and I know that in the long run, I will be able to be more supportive of those around me right now, but right now, simply put, I can’t.

Cue in “It’s so Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday”:

How do I say goodbye to what we had?
The good times that made us laugh
Outweigh the bad.

I thought we’d get to see forever
But forever’s gone away
It’s so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.

I don’t know where this road
Is going to lead
All I know is where we’ve been
And what we’ve been through.

If we get to see tomorrow
I hope it’s worth all the wait
It’s so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.

And I’ll take with me the memories
To be my sunshine after the rain
It’s so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.

And I’ll take with me the memories
To be my sunshine after the rain
It’s so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.

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