A Beautiful Mess

A Sexual Abuse and Addiction Recovery Blog

Healing My Child Within

on May 6, 2010

I ran to “Topic Night”early. (which I’ll cover in my next blog) Been needing some type of knowledge bestowed upon me and more importantly, some companionship from those that are experiencing the same thing as me.  This past week was pretty emotional.  A lot of crying.  I don’t see the crying as a bad thing though.  For me, it’s kind of freeing and cleansing.  I realize that for a very long time I ran to drugs and alcohol to take those emotions and feelings away.  Now, I’m allowing myself to mourn the loss of my childhood when my abuser violated me.  I disconnected from that little girl for as long as I can remember.  Once I reconnected and acknowledged that she was still inside of me, it made me really sad that I still wasn’t protecting her.  That she was still in the midst of crisis because of poor decisions on my part.  I’ve cried and cried.  Burst into tears out of nowhere and at the smallest things of symbolic nature.  I’m going to let it out.  I have to deal with this so that I can put it in my past and move forward.  I’ve never dealt with it.  I’m excited that through all this pain, it’s inevitable that I am growing as a person and I will have an opportunity to become the person that I’ve always wanted to be, but couldn’t, because I stifled my own personal growth by always choosing an escape.  So, I’m going to go ahead and cry and let it out.  It’s about time!  I’m learning to love me 🙂

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