A Beautiful Mess

A Sexual Abuse and Addiction Recovery Blog

My First Tantrum ((Alcohol Recovery))

on May 2, 2010

I just had my first real battle with myself this evening.  I’ve never cried because I was telling myself no.  But I have too much to lose at this point to go out and start drinking now.  I have what I always said I wanted.  I’ve always wanted my family to be supportive and help me get better.  They are doing that right now.  I can’t let me or them down.  It’s scary to know that I have the potential me inside and the addict me inside and that one wants to sabotage the other.  I have an empty hollow feeling inside right now.  It’s like I’m going through a breakup.  I have felt this pain before, but never from denying myself.  I know that this is for the best and that while it may get easier with time, that it will never fully go away.  I know the source of my issues and why I self medicated for so long.  And that has helped me immensely.  I used to cry to myself all the time just wanting to know why.  Why me?  Why?  Why?  Why?  And because I had pushed very deeply seeded issues to the back of my mind, I couldn’t quite piece it together.  Now that I know, I feel as though I have a responsibility to that same little girl that was being hurt.  I can protect her now.  I have succeeded in doing so today.  But it was not easy.  I had to do it alone.  But I did it.  It is true that if you keep your eyes on God and if you deal with life on life’s terms, it can happen.  But I would be lying if I said that this was easy.  It’s by far the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life.  But I want to see me reach the potential that God has for me.  I want to have a chance at a healthy life.  I don’t want to be who I have been for so long.  I want the opportunity to live life and be happy.  But tonight, the fact that I could have drank and noone would have known was tempting.  I resisted though, because it’s a slippery slope.  I have never been a “closet” anything and I don’t need anymore problems and I know that I need support.  I can’t choose that route.  For tonight, I didn’t.  If God brings me to it, he will bring me through it.  I just have to keep my eyes on Him.

So with that, I am going to bed.  Overall, a success, but trust and believe that it doesn’t feel great right now.  I have a dull ache in my chest and tears streaming down my face, but I know that it’s all worth it.

For what it’s worth, breathing exercises do work for me.

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One response to “My First Tantrum ((Alcohol Recovery))

  1. jamiemcg says:

    One day at a time and sometimes one minute at a time. You don’t have to do it alone, there are lots of us out here. I personally like meetings and working the 12 steps, that way I never have to do it alone, there’s always someone there to talk me through it. Congratts on making it through the day, isn’t it wonderful to wake up sober?

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