A Beautiful Mess

A Sexual Abuse and Addiction Recovery Blog

Write Your Own Story. Be the Hero.

on April 30, 2010

Although the world is full of suffering, it is full also of the overcoming of it.” – Helen Keller (20th-century American writer)

The first week in sexual abuse recovery we discussed safety.  My entire treatment is revolving around a central idea of the need for safety.  We were given a list of about 100 coping skills from the book “Seeking Safety”, by Lisa M. Najavits.  The list contains quite a few different coping skills, but the first one that stood out to me before we really started delving into the list was:

“Write your own story.  Be the hero who overcomes adversity.”

This is my life and I have a choice to be happy or continue down a destructive path and make excuses for my behavior.  The latter just compounds the problem for me and denies me my chance to fulfill God’s plan for me.  It’s being willful against the divine plan that has been laid out for me.  Self sabotage.

My coping skills right now are to trust in the process and to choose self respect.  I want to like me in the morning.  I do a lot of self talking lately.  But I talk to myself as if I was a child and with compassion.  I need to nurture my heart and soul and allow myself to heal.  I can’t do that if I am constantly criticizing me.  I have to forgive me and realize that a lot of what I have done in life is a natural reaction to all of the sexual abuse I have encountered.  I’ve been pretty much experiencing sexual trauma from the age of seven on up. 

I can think of many times I self medicated for hours, days and even weeks to come out of a foggy drug/alcohol induced stage to only feel exponentially worse than if I would have just dealt with my problem head on.  I hated myself.  I couldn’t get past the fact that I was broken.  I was deathly afraid that I was destined to stay a coke head or lush.  I began to wonder if my life was a “do not” example for those around me.  That I was destined to live my life in pain.  I began to wish for death.  The drugs only numbed the pain for so long.  And I was in a vicious cycle that would never end until I seeked professional help.  The problem was that I was in denial for so long about what was going on that I couldn’t figure out the infamous question of WHY?  I had pushed the memories out of my mind as a way to not deal with them and created quite the conundrum for myself.  It wasn’t until the most recent trauma that I decided to seek help that I realized just how deep the waters ran with the issues that I had from the age of seven.  But it took God to chastise me and my behaviors, because I was not living right.  I didn’t have my eyes on him.  But it is my gift from suffering.  I made it out alive from a rape and kidnapping.  I thought death was in my face and that it was inevitable and that it was only a matter of time.  He gave me a way out.  He brought me to it and dragged me through it, but I do believe that it’s one heckuva testimony to pass on someday.  I know that God is gracious and I know that by faith in Him and the process, I will become the person that I was meant to be.

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