In this moment. I can feel my head pounding. I can hear the keys on the keyboard. I hear the television in the living room. Outside the window the wind is making a rustle. My right leg is bent over my left leg. I feel the arm of the chair pressed against my leg. My heart feels tight. My eyes feel heavy. Ahhh. The feelings of betrayed trust.
Needed a moment to get in the moment.
Been having a couple of weeks that have been emotionally draining. I’m pretty sure it has something to do with me being off of my medications and also being smack dab and in the midst of winter. I’m having a hard time accepting that it’s okay to just survive right now. After all, treading water certainly seems better than drowning. It’s been difficult for me to truly allow myself to feel how I am feeling. I keep judging it. I feel lazy, withdrawn, depressed, zilch for energy. I am thankful that I have my doctor’s appointment next Monday. I am happy to know that this feeling will pass. It’s why I celebrate the good so much. I know that, too, will pass.
Life. On life’s terms.
I’m working on not beating myself up, but lately I’ve had some negative thoughts creeping in. It’s also some people on the outside of my head as well… some not so encouraging words, because I have never seem to deliver before, so why now? And I feel their frustration, probably more than they will ever truly know. All I’ve really wanted to do was make certain people in my life proud. I seem to struggle with the basics sometimes… although other times I feel like I am kicking ass at life.
I don’t know. I just needed to blog. Vent. Since there really isn’t anyone I can talk to about this. Everyone is so busy with their lives and I, most certainly, hate feeling like a drama queen when discussing this with people who don’t get it. It’s over their head and overwhelming. I don’t want to put that on them and ultimately, there is nothing that they could do, but listen. Sometimes I wish they could listen. But when they hear the things I say I can see the looks of shock on their face. I know they can’t handle my truth. Disclosure is not 100% safe. I feel like sometimes I have to put on this facade and be who society wants me to be. When I do this, I feel so fake. I want to just be able to be me, and not care what the world thinks. I am moving closer to this, but I’m still quite sensitive to others opinions, particularly when they aren’t very nice.
Mad at myself for letting an old friend back in a door, as well. Felt completely used and unappreciated after tending to their every need/demand because I felt bad that they were in a predicament. On the flip side, they didn’t give a hoot about what I had going on and completely took advantage.
I don’t regret helping them. I do regret that I will not be as quick to go out of my way for them again. It is what it is. All I can control is me.
My anxiety attacks have been in full effect. Partially induced by myself because I keep letting a certain someone back in and within hours I am triggered again. Practicing self soothing skills. Trying to just allow myself to do whatever necessary for me to feel safe and not to feel silly about it.
Let me start off with saying that I am truly blessed. I am so very thankful with where I am in life. There once was a time when this all seemed to be a fantasy… the family, the friends, the growing stability, the love, the wisdom… the coping skills But it’s all real now. I still think about what a miracle occurred in my life. Definitely some sort of divine intervention.
The relationship I spoke about very briefly in my prior post ended up fizzling. I had an idea that it was over before it started, but that’s a whole other story for another day.
What’s irking me is Christmas. Christmas is so flippin’ commercialized these days that it’s caused people to go into frenzies for days, weeks and months on end… they are stressed out, running around crazy, overpreparing, overspending, overindulging… just too much of everything, and not enough of what it’s really supposed to be about.
I want it to end. And then, to top it off, mother nature decided that now would be a good time to visit. I’m already irritated enough. I do believe my coping skills are getting a work out, but I’m thankful that I have them.
Bah Humbug. Oh, and Happy Holidays
Not a lot to report on my end of the spectrum. Been learning to deal with boredom in more healthy ways. Still feels a little odd sometimes just sitting at home on the weekend doing nothing, but it sure does beat the “excitement” of drugs and alcohol.
Starting dating someone. We shall see how the tides of time play out..
I live in the moment. And right now, I am sitting here pondering my life and what’s next. For some, living in the moment would seem insane. They have five year, ten year, life time plans and me… well I’m finally stepping out of the past and into the moment. Not even sure that I want to mess with a good thing Although, I do know that as a responsible adult, I do need to realistically start planning my future. Having some direction towards something long lasting. But for now, I will celebrate my ability to leave my past where it belongs… in the past.
I will never forget it. It’s shaped me into who I have become.
But I won’t continue to relive it over and over again like I did for so long.
“Being a friend to yourself means believing and treating yourself in ways that are consistent with your belief that although we are victimized in life, being the victim is a free choice. We are free to choose.”
- Sana Johnson-Quijada MD
It’s been a while since I blogged. So many wonderful things have happened.
For one, I am now employed FT and kicking major booty in the performance department.
I actually have health benefits… WHOA!
I have met some wonderful new people at work that I am starting to consider friends.
I am super flippin’ thankful!
Now with all that being said, it doesn’t mean that it’s all peaches and cream. I’m still struggling. I’m still fighting a daily battle to love myself unconditionally. There are times that life is not what I want, but yet what I sadly choose. I don’t beat myself up for choices that are not good for me, but I do realize that they are indicators. Red flags that something must be put in check, because I know what a slippery slope things can be.
I am learning to respect the process, though. I understand, fully, that my transformation into who I was and where I want to be is going to take time. As they say, Rome wasn’t built overnight…
All in all, though, I’m still surviving and at times… even thriving.
Keep on keeping on and don’t lose patience or understanding of the journey. It’s not quick and easy. It’s hard as hell. But I respect the process and I acknowledge that I am taking steps in the right direction. Even though I may stumble, it’s that I get the hell back up that matters.
“Illegitimi non carborundum.”
((Don’t let the bastards grind you down.))
Lost and misguided
Cried about it,
Lied about it,
Felt pain about it,
Beat around the bush about it.
Crucified for it.
And yes, to few… Accepted.
Submitted to it.
Admitted to it.
Committed to it.
A new page has opened for me.
I AM sincere and loyal.
I WONDER if I will ever get married and what my life will be like in ten years from now.
I HEAR dreams whispering and thoughts creeping.
I SEE love and hope.
I AM sincere and loyal.
I PRETEND to be okay when I’m not.
I FEEL blessed.
I TOUCH the keys of the keyboard.
I CRY when I think about the relationship my mother and I never had.
I AM sincere and loyal.
I UNDERSTAND that everyone takes their own journey.
I SAY that recovery is hard, but it’s worth it.
I DREAM of a true love some day.
I TRY to give 100% on every task I take on.
I HOPE that someday I will be able to forgive my mother… fully and completely.
I AM sincere and loyal.
While in treatment at The Healing Center, I found that I heard this phrase a lot: “…gifts from suffering…”
That’s pretty deep to me.
A lot of times I can spend time dwelling on all of the losses and all of the pain and just basically stay focused on my trauma in the past. But when I think about what my gifts are from suffering, I feel “the journey”.
Although there have been and will be times that seem dismal and overwhelming… the tides of life keep it moving. It truly is a journey.
My gift from suffering is the ability to tune into another person’s emotions on a very empathic level. I feel their pain. I feel their joy. While it’s a bit much sometimes, it is a gift. I feel as though I can relate to people and show a level of compassion that people who have never experienced trauma could. I feel comfort in seeking those people out, because they understand, I understand. It’s a connection that a lot of people in life will never experience. I feel like I am alive, alert… aware that life is precious but can be gone in the blink of an eye. And just because we are breathing most certainly does not mean we are alive.
Blessed with gifts from suffering.
I ask you, my friend, can you identify a gift from your suffering?
My days are filled with sadness and sorrow.
I looking for unicorns, glitter and better tomorrows.
My choices are my own.
But it’s like I don’t even know myself in certain moments of time.
It’s like some other person, thing or energy overtakes me
and sings me a lullaby.
It makes me feel weak.
It makes me feel inadequate.
It makes me feel humbled.
It’s like a wild roller coaster ride that I’m in the passenger seat.
I feel like I don’t know me.
But as soon as I think I am starting to learn,
the roller coaster starts all over again.
I won’t give up.
But this shit is not easy.